Who's Interested in a Hawaiian Home Swap?

I love living in Hawaii, but I have island fever! I need to get off this rock for a while. I'd like to swap houses with someone on the mainland U.S., England, Scotland, Ireland, or Australia for a few weeks. We have a great house that's only three miles from the beach, with a view of the ocean, and we even have a pool. There are only a few minor details:

1) There are a lot of cats in Hawaii, many of them wild. The cats in our neighborhood start fighting at 3:00 a.m., which causes the dogs to bark. This awakens the wild turkeys (all seventeen of them) that roost in my neighbor's tree. The sound goes something like this: meoooow, bark bark, gobble gobble gobble gobble, meooow, bark bark, gobble gobble gobble gobble. If you can get the cats to stop, the rest of the animals usually stop too.

2) The gentleman on the right is Geronimo. He lives on top of my refrigerator. He got his name because he has a penchant for leaping off the fridge every time someone opens it. Have you ever had a gecko land on your head and get caught in your hair? Talk about fun! One time he landed on my son's freshly frosted birthday cake, ran around the outside like a formula car, jumped off and landed in a glass of orange juice. We put him outside, but he promptly returned the next day to exactly the same spot. Don't ask me how I know he's a male - we couldn't think of any famous females that like to jump off of high places. If you try to take him outside, remember that geckos have salmonella on their skin so you'll need to wash your hands.

3) The mountain that we live on is a dormant volcano. It hasn't erupted for over two hundred years, so it is overdue. Relax, lava moves really slowly - only about three to ten miles per hour. You should have plenty of time to get out of the way. Which is a good thing, because the temperature of molten lava is about 1,300 to 2,200 degrees.

4) You won't be able to leave any food out at night. Not a morsel. We have cockroaches the size of B-52s that appear as soon as we turn out the lights. Everyone in Hawaii has them, and if they say they don't they're either lying or they've just bombed their house with insecticide. They are absolutely oblivious to humans and you can't scare them. Just hide in the bedroom until the sun arises.

5) See the house in the middle of our view? It has eight people in it and they love to play a game called Portuguese Horseshoes (or as we say it, Portagee). It involves hitting a box with metal washers, over and over and over. Apparently, the more you drink the more fun you have, and our neighbors have a lot of fun. They stay up until the wee hours of the morning playing and when they finally go to sleep, the kids come out and start playing. Maybe you could introduce yourselves and you can play too.

So, who's interested? Not detered by cockroaches, resident geckos, and lava? Having second thoughts? That's okay, I still love my slice of paradise.